God Speaks

I get really worked up when things don't go the way I expect them to. It's as if everything has to go my own way, or things fall apart. The world will be doomed to failure if my plan never works, because I build myself around what I want, and where I want to go.

That's just it. The more I want things to be all about what I want to do, things start to break down. The world constantly tells me that I can "Have it my way." and I can "Do it myself." Everywhere I look I see ways to improve myself be it on store windows, TV commercials or magazine ads. I can be who I want to be, as long as I dream it and somehow turn it into a reality. People can go from living on the streets to becoming important people in society, as long as they have a dream and carry it out.

And then the idiot within me comes to the surface, and I stop being conscious of my actions, and how they are changing. I constantly become a hypocrite. If you'd asked me three weeks ago what I wanted to do, I'd tell you I'd want to do what God wants me to which is Marine Biology. Do you see where I slipped up? I see it now.

I think it interesting that God decides to throw himself onto me when I'm finally worn out from all my frustration. I get so tired, so quiet, and retire so within myself that the grey takes over. Just like today's weather here in town, I was grey for a time, and then the sun came out. While in all honesty I prefer grey weather to sunshine, for the purpose of my metaphor, I will say the sun was a nice relief. I was able to calm down, take a step back, and say "Wait, it may not be so bad..."

I saw where I'd made my fatal mistake. I'd grown comfortable, and felt like I didn't have to work for what I wanted. All along I knew math would be difficult, but when it got difficult I just "attempted" to get through it. I didn't actually do it. I needed help, and when I felt a little pressure I collapsed. I decided that where God had placed me in life couldn't possibly right, so I quit. Yet again I threw my hands up and told God he wasn't exactly controlling my life right.

I love this C.S. Lewis quote. It constantly reminds me of my life, and it applies to everyone else's, so I will share it with you.

“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way”

God had let me take the wheel, and I crashed into a light pole, which in turn fell on my head causing everything to seem upside down. I didn't even come to him, telling him what had happened. I just left the scene, and tried to run in a world that didn't seem right.

But there was something God was doing, and I was so worried about myself that I didn't stop to see him building it to the climax of the night.

It started off with today, having the sudden urge to read Lewis again. I'm normally always in the mood for a good Clive Staples read, but lately I've felt awful every time I've tried to open a book. Then it so happened that I got bit by that dog. Why that matters, you ask? I was attempting to do things too quickly, and suffered the consequences. I took that, later, as a sign that I should slow down. I began to take my time today, and finally thought things out. After thinking them out...well after that I was tired, and attempted to sleep. Then the sun came out and alas I could attempt to sleep no more. I still wasn't necessarily thinking about God, and the reason for that is unknown to me. I think I was still trying to hide.

Tonight God finally tapped me on the shoulder though. As if it were sent straight to me, I read an excerpt from Max Lucado's book Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear. It's called Caffeinated Life, wherein Lucado compares life to a coffee shop. In the excerpt, the author gives a funny comparison of how we treat life like a coffee shop, where we order a drink tailored to the individual based on what they order. Sometimes life doesn't work that way, and we get all bent out of shape. That is the moment we need to realize that we have a travel companion.

I love my cat Velvet. If I could, I would carry her with me everywhere so she could keep me company in every situation I'm in. When I'm happy, my cat loves to watch me bounce off the walls, because I'm so excited I give her food. With an always hungry stomach like hers, I suppose I'd love to see me get excited as well. She also loves to keep me company when I cry. It's like she knows I'm having a bad day, because I'll walk onto the porch from my car, sigh, tell her hello and then she'll rub up against my shins until I pick her up. When I'm upset the only thing my cat wants is not food, but some time from me to cuddle. Let me tell you, my Velvetina loves to cuddle...when we both are in the mood.

She's my shadow- wherever I go outside she'll follow me. She'll even follow me out to my car, and then I'll have to be careful she doesn't try to accompany me inside the vehicle. She got inside my trunk once, because she didn't want me to leave. Luckily I was still in the neighborhood when I hear her moving around back there, and was able to go home quickly and let her out.

Lucado reminded me of something: Wherever I go, whenever, and whatever I'm doing. God is ALWAYS with me. He gave me the Holy Spirit. The "One just like the first one" The Holy Spirit is like my spiritual Velvetina, and I can take that one with me wherever I go.

It's been a weird few days, and I still don't know where I'm going. I think I'm going to start praying about it now, and hope that I can keep myself silent so I can hear God speak again. These times when I can slow down are so few and far between.

God speaks, however silent, in the most interesting ways. From using a dog bite to a magazine, he never fails to make himself heard. Now I must take his challenge to continually listen. I think I'm ready to be lead instead of leading. With his voice to guide, I'll be out of the dark in no time.