From death into life - my testimony

From death to life - My testimony

God has been with me all my life, but when I was at my darkest hour He really pulled me out and showed His unique Mercy and Love. Then I realized how many times he always has been with me.

This is to glorify God and to encourage everyone who still has doubts of faith to truely surrender to God, as He is just amazing.
It is also a warning to be careful which way you choose for your life, not to play with your life and occult things, and who you choose for marriage.

It was not easy for me to write down all my sins and to present them into public, but it is necessary to show that He is God.
Hebr. 13/15+16
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise- the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

Proverbs 29/25
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe

2. Tim. 1/8
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord,


I commited adultery, fornication, I lied, I disrespected my parents, I was into smoking, smoking pott, drinking, into some relationships, buddhism, hinduism, yoga, meditation, esotheric & occult things like horoscopes, pendulum, tarot cards, commited murder twice to my 2 unborn children, which I was supposed to be death-sentenced for.

But somebody who unconditionally loves me, stepped in and payed a ransom for me - Thank you, Jesus! I guess I can never pay it all back at all, but I am willing to do my best.

God is the author of my life, He knows my beginning and my end, and every day is a new chapter. My life is in His hand.

My birth
My parents have both different rhesus factors. Being the second child plus lacking of prenatal medical aid like nowadays I could have died or suffered heavy health issues while being still unborn. But God wanted me to live, thank you Father!
My parents have chosen a pretty unusual first name for a German girl: Astrid, which is translated like Godly Rider, Beauty of God, Strength of God, always something with God, and I like that. They are survivors of Worldwar II, and never really had a good childhood. So they have done their best to let us have a happy childhood. I also have a loving brother who always wished for a little sister (to help him dishwashing, it's true..:-D).
Whatever I have done in my life, they have been there for me and I am thankful that God has chosen this family for me.

My childhood
I got baptized as a baby, and was at church every now and then.
I survived a joyful jump into deep water at 3, my father rescued me. I survived 2 car accidents without serious hurts. I could escape a sex maniac who followed me just before the appartment door and stood in my way. I am sure that God made it possible for me to slip under his arms and to escape.

My youth
I was on a girls highschool, so boys really started to draw my attention when I was 12 already and I got my first kiss. I started to develop physically and mentally, was looking at things with new eyes and ears, even doubted if I was the true child of my parents. I had so many questions, so many doubts, was disgusted of hipocrisy of society. I started to dress like a Hippie-type girl, wrote some incredible poems and I have been often alone and in places from age 16 onwards. There I met a guy who invited me for my first joint. My parents had to pick me up from police station when I was 13. I turned away from old friends, had new outsider friends and smoked and partied a lot. Some already had experience with acid, some told about their horror trips. I was scared (praise the Lord) and never felt like trying out. I even stopped smoking pot after I had a circulatory collaps while being stoned alone at home.
My only living grandfather whom I loved very much, commited suicide by a headshot in his head when I was 14. He left a suicide letter, the content is not known to me, but it was enough for my whole family to split. But what shocked me the most was the fact that no pastor was willing to burry him. He was born catholic and converted to protestant in order to marry my grandmother. Therefore they discussed who would be responsible for him, I dont remember who did in the end. That behaviour really disgusted me, and as soon as I was old enough I left State church.

My first love
I will write much about it because it is so important who is your first love, and that you should try to cherish this unique love until marriage if ever possible.
I met my first love still at the age of 14, he was 18. After our first date we knew it was love at first sight. It was a love and deepness I have never experienced in my life again. It was like as if we were made for each other, with spirit, soul and body. Therefore I had sex for the first time with him still with 14, as the crowning of our love and to be as close as possible (which should be left for marriage). We stayed together for 4 years which is pretty long, as most of our friends only had relationships for some days or weeks. We had very similar interests, like painting, poems, all kind of music, reading, alternative houses and living forms, had been interested into buddism, hinduism, Rosicrucians Order, practizing Yoga and meditation. We could just talk about anything and always stayed honest with each other. He was the one I read the Song of Songs in the bible together with, and was fascinated. He also had a book (I cannot remember the name anymore) that was supposed to be written by Satan himself, with a lot of magic spells. I was afraid of this book (Praise the lord) and didnt even touch it.
He was addicted to pot and grass with increaseing usage over the years plus experimented with magic mushrooms. Sometimes I really questioned if he was still able to see or feel me at all, which caused the first tensions. Plus he also had a few outside sex affairs which left me broken hearted, but he always repented to me in tears, and I had forgiven him.
Being a long-haired freak this relationship was a thorn in my parents flesh. I wanted to spend every free minute with him, I even involved the youth welfare because I felt treated wrong by them (no respect at all), and to escape from their authority I started to lie. With 16 I was going on my first holiday on my own with some girlfriends. We said that we would be on a Dutch island, but we went to Amsterdam instead, sleeping in public parks, other cheap places or in the dunes, and God protected me there.
When I finished my HSD at 18, he decided to go to a hitch-hike journey to India (Goa) with his best friend which would had last at least for 1 year. It showed me that the love once so strong had faded (or simply his addiction had won over love). We promised to keep in touch via mails, but left everything open regarding our relationship.

From 18 onwards
Having lot of time now I decided to spent some weeks as backpack tourist with island hopping in Greece with my girlfriend. We were living mostly nude on the beach in selfmade hats, meeting wonderful people from all over the world and thought that this would be total freedom, but ignoring and disrespecting the landowners and Greek traditions in reality (like in the movie „the Beach). I was sleeping next to scorpions and snakes, which I found out later, and God protected me there. I was chased by wild dogs in the Greek mountains once, and God protected me there again.
When I returned I could not live at home any longer. I moved out, started to live a new life, was into womens lib, natural birthcontrol, into political theatre and member of an ultraleft winged commitee for reunion of West and East Germany. When I heard that some of us got inprisoned while visiting East Berlin I cancelled my membership (Praise the Lord). After more than 1 year my first love returned and moved in, and although I had another relationship we became lovers again (2 lovers at one time, is this double sin?). But he returned with cocain addiction. I still remember how I desperately tried once to hinder him from leaving and getting new drugs by attaching on his motorbike. Seeing him so completely stoned and at the same time realizing that I could not change it kind of pushed me away from him. I wish I had known Jesus already then..He also soon found another junkie girlfriend and left. I only saw him once again after about 1 year, before I moved out of town, and his physical decay was very obvious. I wonder if he is still alive and wish I could talk to him now.
I also broke up with the other guy, I just had enough.
Then I had a relationship with a men who was 14 years older. His former girlfriend was a high-class prostitute, so I am thankful that I did not get mixed up in this very criminal story or caught a STD. I wanted to see if this natural birthcontrol really works, and got pregnant, more or less on purpose (unbelievable careless!!). My mother and a girlfriend talked me into abortion, so I got the legal licence for killing this child. Not as agreed I got a general anesthetic. I fought against it, was rushing through a dark space with redish planets or beings in it, full of noise, and woke up in the middle of being operated on. They augmented the dose and the whole horror trip began again. It was like a step to limbo, maybe. I survived, the baby not.
But we reap what we sow. While applying for an occasional job I had an x-ray of my chest and they found several spots on my lungs, I was told that it might be either tuberculosis or metastases. Somehow I did not care, I had no other choice anyway. The diagnosis was yet different: Morbus Boeck, or sarcoidosis, reason unknown, therapy either hope for spontaneous healing or long-treatment with cortisone. God decided for spontaneous healing! Thank you Father.
After breaking up my first studies in pottery design due to little future aspects I started to learn my first profession as x-ray medical assistant, and broke up with this man. He waylayed me once because he could not handle the fact that I was going out again, and choked me. He tried to kill me, but God protected me again, and he suddenly let go.

First marriage
I met my first future husband, an African not so devout moslem, who was applying for asyl and already living in Hamburg. 3 month later we moved together and got married. Not merely because I was believing in this love, but mostly that he could stay here with me. I did not even inform my family about it, and we married in Denmark. So the authorities had to accept it here.
I was more into horoscopes (sun, moon, chinese), dowsing pendulum. Plus he with his cultural pagan believes and juju-magics. After 5 years I wished to have children, but he did not, so I started to doubt his feelings, as children in his culture are always a blessing and completely normal. I was end of my 20s, and wondering how my life would be alike in future. I separated from him for 3 months to find out more about how our marriage was really about. During this time one of my girlfriends told me that he had tried to get in bed with her, even before our crisis. So it was clear that there was something wrong in this marriage. Once I was with my girlfriends laying tarot cards, it showed up the lovers for me (never play with unknown Spirits! There is a spiritual realm, and white and black magic which works, but are not from God!). On this evening I met my next future husband and we became lovers.

Second and actual marriage
He was still in an on&off relationship, plus chasing other girls beside, and I was still married. So I was living in complete sin, comitting adultery and fornication.
After being divorced we moved together. Although he clearly said in the beginning that he would never wish to marry a white woman and having mixed children I thought I could change his way of thinking or that he would change his mind. After 1 ½ year I got pregnant without having talked with him about that, fearing to hear a NO. He asked me to decide between him or the child, and that he would never accept this child as his own. I was desperated, completely shocked. I again chose abortion. I killed this child so that I could stay with him and that I would not depend on my parents financially. I was now 30 years old and yet unable to take responsibility of my own life and the life of an innocent child!!!
I stayed with him, things looked better. After 4 years I got pregnant again, but this time he even married me.
Holding my first born son in my arms I grasped a bit of God’s miracles of life. It is the most heart touching and fullfilling thing in my life, having children. Children still have this godly Agape love, and I experienced a new kind of unconditional love, The hospital where I delivered my kids was a Christian one and there was a poster on a wall, with a quotation of Tagore…
„Every new born child brings the message that God has not given up trusting in mankind“
I also realize now that I gave them a Christian first name before really having been a serious Christian myself. In my second pregnancy my husband started a love affair, I never knew when it ended. I wanted him to leave, but friends advised us to stay together for the sake of the kids. I got pregnant even for the 3. time. He never really has cared much for his sons or me, but I also did not want them to grow up without a father. So I stayed, counting the years and decided to hold on until the kids would be old enough to sustain a divorce. But again the rule of sowing and reaping worked for me.

How I finally found back to God
This little plant of feeling unloved, hurted and rejected, of bitterness and unforgiveness took deeper and bigger roots in my heart, and from there started to grow into my flesh. I was diagnosed breast cancer although still breastfeading the last son. He was even the one who made me go for mammography, as he told me in his baby language that something is wrong with one breast. God has used this little boy to save my life in a way. I was completely desperated, I wanted (and want) to live, to see my kids growing and grown up, happily married to wonderful wives and grandchildren maybe. I did not want to die so early. To my surprise my husband was pretty shocked, too, and stayed on my side. But what blew me away was what happened in the hospital. I was very scared because I knew what would be ahead due to my medical knowledge. When the nurse who took care of me saw my despair and fear she simply hugged me, saying: „God is with you!!!“
I cannot put into words how much that meant to me!!!
I was still afraid, but in all these sorrows God had sent this woman to me to tell me that He is with me!!! The diagnose was cancer, but in a prestage, so only operation was necessary and no chemo, no medicine or other treatment!!! According to the doctors I was healed!!!
HOW GOOD CAN GOD BE???!!!
I was completely into tears, so overwhelmed and thankful, and prayed together with this nurse, I dont know if I invited Jesus into my life then, I was only crying..and remembering repeating the name Jesus.
I was sentenced to death and God in His endless Love and Mercy took me out of it and saved my life. Thank you Jesus!!!
This nurse also advised me to attend a living church. But first I had to figure out what caused the cancer, as I sensed that it had to do with my supressed feelings and my marriage. I did courses in visualisations, healings, and it showed that there is a strong connection between body, spirit and soul, which the medicine now acknowledges as psycho-neuro-immunology (a secret described in the bible thousands of years before). I attended a healing seminare of Art Read, an Native-American who sums up all knowledges, plus added some fairytales of his native American culture, and some parables from the bible without naming the origin. We were a group of 200 people, and had to do exercises. One was to activate the visionary powers in you. And in deed I could see the boyfriend of my partner I was practizing with in detail and where he lived. The spiritual realm is real! This healer laid hands on me for healing, and I sensed an immense heat, but it was not in the name of God. The core lesson of this seminare was that we all seek to be unconditionally loved, and all 200 ended up falling into each other arms and hugging and crying, old managers as well as young people.
So it was very clear to me that again God was there to invite me to get closer to Him.
I attended a living church, spent most of the time weaping while service or worship as the Lord had put his finger on my heart, and I started to see my whole life and all my mistakes and repented, but also got a glimps of His love. We changed the church where our pastor is also ministering with prophecy, and the very first day I was there the Holy Spirit spoke through her to me, revealing things of me and my marriage which nobody could have known, but yet it was all very polite, not embarrassing at all. The Holy Spirit is a true gentleman!
Since then I am going to this church receiving the Living Word of a Living God.
In 2004 I repeated my salvation prayer asking Jesus Christ to guide my life.
My husband told me then that he already gave his life to Jesus some years ago (kind of shows how our marriage was alike), and that he prayed with the kids while I was in hospital. I am very thankful for this.
In 2004 we and the kids got water-baptized.
FROM DEATH INTO LIFE
John 5/24
I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.
1. John 3/14
We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death.

Since then I have seen supernatural healings, in me and in others and changes in my marriage. I have seen the power of prayers and the Word in so many cases.
I was allowed to do a re-education as bilingual secretary. God has given me favor with people and with jobs. Everywhere, in my class, and later at my working place I met Christians. I have a tailor-made working place, and a few Christians colleagues around me which is rare to find here in Germany.

I am so thankful, I am thankful for every moment that I am alive, and which He allows me to live.
I thank God for having chosen me before creation, calling my name, and giving me this body
I thank God for His unconditional Love and Mercy and Grace
I thank God for having sacrificed His only son Jesus to carry also my sins and to die for me.
I thank God for Jesus Christ‘s resurrection, defeating death and for the outpooring of the Holy Spirit.
I thank God for never leaving me alone.
I thank God for His word and wisdom.
I thank God for salvation and forgiving my sins.
I thank God for forming my heart to be more receptive for His will.
I thank God for my children, and for my husband as without him I would never had those wonderful boys.
I thank God for all brethren now and in future.

There are no coincidences anymore, only divine encounters and situations.
I can give more testimonies of favor with authorities, banks, finances, even of simple things like free parking space in the middle of the night….

God is still writing my story.

Right now there are 2 chapters still unrevealed in my life:
1) Acc. Hebr. 10/26 we have lost our salvation if we had sinned willingly and knowingly, and as I know that I have sinned in that way, knowing that it was sin and knowing that it is not Gods way, I am thinking if I messed up for ever
2) My abortions
This is something I am still struggeling with, and I will post another blog on this one day.
Everytime I look at my children I see the missing child and it breaks my heart. I must not lie, and one day I must justify myself before my kids, and telling them that I killed their older sibling. I pray that they will be old enough to put up with it.


I hope that my testimony was a blessing, as all other testimonies are to me.

Much love

Astrid