"It's astounding... time is fleeting... madness takes its toll..."
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Vikki
- Female
- Geneseo, NY
- United States
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HI! YOU TASTE LIKE SOYLENT GREEN!
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Frank left a comment for Vikki"─▀██▀─▄███▄─▀██─██▀██▀▀▀█ ──██─███─███─██─██─██▄█** ──██─▀██▄██▀─▀█▄█▀─██▀........ ─▄██▄▄█▀▀▀─────▀──▄██▄▄▄█... ░J░E░S░U░S░ ░L░O░V░E░S░ ░Y░O░U░ ░*H░U░G░S*░ ...…"
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- About Me
- (Testimony Part 1)
My parents were Christian and raised both me and my sister as such. I never questioned God, not even when two of my churches fell apart and I lost my friends, and when I was switched from school to school.
When I was 11 I was moved out of Colorado and we came to upstate New York. The only people we knew were my mom's college roommate and her husband who have been close family friends of ours. That was when I first began writing.
I was placed in my third school, this time a public school which was a far cry from the private school and the charter school I have been in. I had no friends, and I learned the hard way how shallow middle school students can be.
I became friends with a girl named Mary and she was like my sister. Halfway through the 8th grade was when things first went wrong. I never felt like I belonged and I couldn't understand why the other students were so mean when I never did anything to them other than be different. That lead to my first experience with real depression and was when I first practiced self-mutilation, the act of harming the body on purpose.
Mary called me out on it immediately and helped me gain the courage to turn back to God and let go of the pain. A month later she committed suicide.
I didn't have time to grieve.
Not long after the news another blow struck. I was babysitting for Ted. He was like a second father to me. My own dad, while loving, was very strict and focused on making us fear him. He, on the other hand, was a lot more fun and always knew how to make my sister and I laugh.
I was babysitting for him but all that day I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what or what to do about it. He came into the house while I was putting his son down for his nap and molested me in his kitchen.
I didn't have time to recover from that either.
I was so angry and in the worst pain I had ever known but I wasn't ready for what happened the following week. We got a phone call while we were at church. My uncle, after a 4 year battle with AIDS, had died suddenly on his front porch.
At the funeral my grandpa looked to me and said, "No matter what happens, NEVER turn your back on God."
I was so angry and hurt that was exactly what I did. I refused to follow and worship a God who would allow what had been happening to me and I went down a road of self-destruction. I fell into heavy cutting and was soon after suicidal. My parents didn't know how to handle it so they pulled me out of school. I ended up running away from home. I tried to slit my wrists but my dad found me and soon I was in a hospital for psychiatric help.
After I was released I had turned back to God and was on the "right path." I followed the Christian walk for a good five years after that, but it didn't last. Once I was out of highschool and had entered college, my best friends became RIT students. You see they weren't like the "strait A's" or "over acheiver" nerds. They were the type that had actually gotten a vending machine connected to a network so one of them could hack it with their computer and voila! Free snacks for everyone! What I loved about them was I could talk to them about anything and I felt a freedom with them that I didn't feel with my parents. They soon became my family.
- My Testimony
- (Testimony Part 2)
During this time tragedy struck my church. A man we all knew and loved was caught sexually abusing his 5 year old daughter and had been doing it since she was 2. No one saw it coming. After he was arrested, my pastors made a point of stressing to the wife that her main concern should be repairing her relationship with her husband since "God hates divorce." They didn't care about the daughter at all because "She doesn't seem too bothered by it."
I was furious when I saw they were still so quick to ignore the safety of the victim, and I left the church.
I began dating again. He wasn't a Christian, but I didn't care. I knew I would never find another like him so I took that leap. I loved him hard and recklessly and every moment with him was almost like a movie. He helped me grow more and more true to myself, and he helped bring the real me out that had been hiding through years and years of my parent's judgmental ways.
It didn't last. He fell out of love with me, my mother telling me it was God's will because this "was best" and part of "God's plan." I was so angry I turned from God again. We hadn't been hurting anyone, and it had been the best relationship I had ever been in.
I decided from that moment on I was going to live my life the way I wanted, not depending on a god to take care of me. I was going to take care of myself. I slept with my ex and after a while he moved away. When he left, it felt like a hole had been punched right through my chest and I fell further into darkness. I was carving my legs with knives but felt nothing. There was no skin on my shoulders but it didn't hurt.
My most perverted friend and I met up just for sex, just to feel pain. It's the darkest memory I have. I let him abuse and torture me for two days and when I walked away from it I felt dead. A week later I tried to slit my wrists. My friend broke down the door and hugged me while I wept, then told me he was going to make a deal with me. I had a month, and if things were still bad and not improving, he would help me get my affairs in order.
The next morning I noticed the sun for the first time in months.
Soon I began to notice and feel things, and I felt life becoming easier with time and actual healing taking place.
Now my life has meaning it never had before. I feel and see things with more attention than I used to, and I never take a day for granted.
- Favorite Activities
- Reading, Gaming, Writing, making videos
- Favorite Music / Movies / Tv Shows / Books
- Music: Sufjan Stevens, The Decemberists, Company of Theives, Beirut
Movies: Anything horror
TV Shows: Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Scrubs, The Simpsons
Books: Right To Life, The Girl Next Door, Carrie, Salem's Lot, To Kill a Mocking Bird, Anthem
- Favorite Quotations
- "We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..." -Abe Simpson
- What would you say is your Spiritual gift?
- The ability to wipe out a hard NOD AI army with nothing but decintigrators.
Vikki's Photos
Vikki's Blog
Nothing in my Way
Posted on May 8, 2011 at 9:27pm 0 Comments 1 Like
A turning tide
Lovers at a great divide
Why'd you laugh?
When I know that you hurt inside
And why'd you say
"It's just another day, nothing in my way
I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay
So there's nothing left to say."
And why'd you laugh
When you wanna die, when you hurt inside?
Don't know what you lie for anyways
Now there's nothing left to say
The tell tale sign
You don't know…
Continue Everywhere I Go
Posted on March 4, 2011 at 11:02am 0 Comments 0 Likes
And I fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to be
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me all that I should know
And I fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to be
To evoke some empathy
Danger will follow me now everywhere I go
Angels will call on me and take me to my home
Well this time I just wants to be at home
And I fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to… Continue
Tell me how's the way to be
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me all that I should know
And I fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to be
To evoke some empathy
Danger will follow me now everywhere I go
Angels will call on me and take me to my home
Well this time I just wants to be at home
And I fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to… Continue
The Queen and the Soldier
Posted on November 30, 2010 at 4:00pm 0 Comments 0 Likes
The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew… Continue
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew… Continue
So Tired of Being Tired
Posted on November 1, 2010 at 7:34pm 0 Comments 0 Likes
I'm at the end of my rope. My parents are the source of a lot of my frustrations but it's getting bad again. Originally I moved out of my house because they are very overbearing, but I just wish that now I was an adult they would stop treating me like their little girl because I'm not. I stopped being their little girl the day that perv decided to have his way with me and they stood by and did NOTHING.
Ever since that horrible day I've depended on my friends because when my…
Continue Comment Wall (35 comments)
- At 10:53pm on December 30, 2011,
PROPHETESS CAROL said… 
- At 3:30am on November 23, 2011,
Pastor Qaisar Anwar said… I am working with orphaned, street and poor children in Pakistan. We need your prayers and love and support to our orphaned children. Please see if you can any help to our Pakistani Orphaned, Street, Poor and needy children.
- At 4:48pm on July 27, 2011, Frank said…
- ─▀██▀─▄███▄─▀██─██▀██▀▀▀█
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──██─▀██▄██▀─▀█▄█▀─██▀........
─▄██▄▄█▀▀▀─────▀──▄██▄▄▄█...
░J░E░S░U░S░ ░L░O░V░E░S░ ░Y░O░U░ ░*H░U░G░S*░
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♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
- At 7:25am on June 27, 2011,
RandyBroekema said… - have a sweet day
- At 11:25pm on April 16, 2011,
Paul & Loretta said… - This Dynamic video from bible teacher Paul G. Williams of KingdomTime Ministries is a further description of the Faith Add-ons you will need to be fruitful and abounding in the knowledge of God, and your faith walk. Please visit KingdomTimeMinistries.org for more of what we do globally.
Faith is Not Enough pt.2 Youtube
- At 10:14am on February 28, 2011, RandyBroekema said…
- hope we can be friends
- At 11:55pm on February 26, 2011, Pastor Qaisar Anwar said…
- Lord,for the years your love has kept and guided,Urged and inspired us,cheered us on our way,Sought us and saved us ,pardoned and provided:Lord of the years,we bring our thanks today.
- At 3:20pm on February 18, 2011, PROPHETESS CAROL said…
- You've been hit by a smooth criminal ;)...say it isn't so? Glad to know that you are okay...Welcome to the sight!
C@rol =0)
- At 6:40am on January 28, 2011,
Princessolivia Lawanda Rakestraw said… - Welcome good testimoney
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