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I WAS SAVED AND BAPTISEDIN 2002. But, before that - I USED TO PARTY A LOT AND GO OUT TO CLUBS WHILE I LEFT MY BABY AT HOME WITH MY PARENTS. I ONLY HAD MY OLDEST DAUGHTER THEN. SHE WAS 2 AND MY ONLY CHILD. I CAN BE SHY AROUND CROWDS OR BIG GROUPS OF PEOPLE, SO AT THE CLUB I WOULD HAVE TO DRINK A LOT JUST TO LOOSEN UP. MY FRIENDS AND I WOULD BE WEARING THE SHORTEST TIGHTEST CLOTHES THAT WE HAD. WE WANTED ATTENTION AND WE GOT IT..... THE WRONG ATTENTION. ALL THE GUYS WANTED, WAS TO HOOK UP LATER THAT NIGHT. I WAS VERY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. I HAD SELF ESTEEM ISSUES, ANGER PROBLEMS, I WAS PERMISCUOUS AND I WAS A CUTTER. IF I WASN'T TAKING MY ANGER OUT ON THOSE AROUND ME, I WOULD TAKE IT OUT ON MYSELF. I STILL HAVE SCARS ON MY ARMS FROM THE ABUSEI TOOK OUT ON MY OWN SELF (CUTTING).

I WOULD STAY OUT LATE WITH SOME FRIENDS AND GET HOME AROUND 5AM, GO TO SLEEP, AND BE TO WORK AT 8AM. I WAS WORKING AT TIME WARNER CABLE AT THE TIME AND A CO-WORKER OF MINE, WHO WAS A CHRISTIAN- SHE MUST HAVE BEEN WATCHING MY BEHAVIOR. SHE PROBABLY WAS SAYING TO HERSELF..."THAT GIRL NEEDS JESUS." BECAUSE I WOULD COME TO WORK TIRED, CRANKY, AND CARELESS. I WOULD HANG UP ON THE CUSTOMERS, OR PUT THE PHONE ON MUTE UNTIL THEY FINALLY DECIDED TO HANG UP. I WOULD GET ON THE INTERNET OR CALL & TALK TO A FRIEND WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO CUSTOMERS. IF I DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE A CALL I WOULD TRANSFER IT TO SOMEONE ELSE...LOL! PRETTY BAD, HUGH? THEN WHEN MY SUPERVISOR REALIZED WHAT I WAS DOING HE WOULD GET SMART WITH ME AND I WOULD GIVE HIM AN ATTITUDE RIGHT BACK! I WOULD COME BACK LATE FROM LUNCH...OMG. MY CO-WORKER, "ELISETTE", WAS ON FIRE FOR GOD. SHE STARTED SITTING AND TALKING TO ME AT LUNCH. SHE DIDN'T COME ON STRONG WITH HER WITNESSING. IT WAS MORE LIKE A CONVERSATION THAT REALLY HAD ME LISTENING. SHE TOLD ME HOW SHE USED TO BE LIKE ME AND HOW SHE CAME TO THE LORD AND HOW HE FORGAVE HER, LOOOOOVES HER AND THAT HE CHANGED HER LIFE AROUND. I WANTED THAT. I WANTED SOMEONE/ (GOD) TO LOVE ME LIKE THAT. I WANTED TO BE CHANGED AND TRANSFORMED, I WANTED TO BE FORGIVEN. I WAS EMPTY AND BROKEN. NO FULFILLMENT TO MY LIFE. NEVER SATISFIED. THERE WAS ALWAYS A VOID, A HOLE THAT NEEDED TO BE FILLED. SOMETHING WAS ALWAYS MISSING. WAS THERE ANY PURPOSE TO LIFE???? 

I HESITAED AND TURNED DOWN MANY OF HER INVITATIONS TO GO TO CHURCH. THE DAY I FINALLY DECIDED TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ELISETTE WAS WHEN I HIT ROCK BOTTOM. I WAS SOOO BROKEN. I WAS ALWAYS THE GIRL ON THE SIDE, THE JUMP OFF , THE GIRL THE GUYS WANTED TO CHEAT WITH WHEN HE WAS TIRED OF HIS MAIN GIRL FRIEND. I WAS THE GIRL WHO JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED. I WAS DRINKING A LOT, GOING TO CLUBS 2X A WEEK, HAVING MEANINGLESS SEX, HATING MYSELF AND LIFE. I SPENT 2,000 OF MY INCOME TAX TO BAIL A GUT OUT OF JAIL. HE KICKED ME TO THE CURB SOOON AFTER. MY FRIEND AND I SPRAY PAINTED A GIRLS HOUSE AND SATELLITE DISH CAUSE SHE EAS MESSING WITH ONE OF THE SAME GUYS I LIKED. I WOULD PURPOSELY AGUE AND PICK FIGHTS WITH GUYS ..( YEAH MEN) AT THE CLUB. I WOULD WALK OFF OF JOBS AND NEVER RETURN. I WAS MEAN TO MY DAUGHTER.. ...I WANTED TO DIE. LITERALLY.

FINALLY I GAVE UP. I JUST WANTED TO BE SAVED FROM THE MADNESS. THE CHAOS IN MY LIFE HAD TO STOP. I WANTED PEACE AND MEANING TO MY LIFE. I WAS SAVED AND BAPTISED IN 2002. SINCE THEN I'VE BACK SLID HERE & THERE HAD SOME MESS UPS & MISTAKES, BUT I'M STILL IN THE RACE. ON THE OTHER HAND, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO BRING A FEW PEOPLE TO THE LORD BY WITNESSING AND SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE. GOD HAS DELIVERED ME FROM MY SELF ESTEEM ISSUES, CUTTING AND BEING PERMISCUOUS. MY OLDEST DAUGHTER HAVE BONDED AND WE HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. I'VE GROWN A LITTLE SPIRITUALLY. I'M MARRIED NOW AND I STAY IN THE HOUSE...NOT THE CLUB! AND I DRESS LIKE A LADY, NOT A TRAMP. LOL!!! I STILL HAVE TIMES WHEN I DON'T HANDLE MY ANGER AS WELL AS I SHOULD. I'M NOT PERFECT AND GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME...ESPECIALLY ON THE INSIDE, WITH MY HEART. RIGHT NOW, HE HAS ME IN SELF REFLECTION MODE...LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AT SOME OF MY ACTIONS THAT NEED CORRECTION.  I LOVE THE LORD AND I DESIRE A CLOSER WALK/ RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

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Look where HE brought me from! HE brought from a mighty long way!

But I think you needed to be brought to that point of need in order to submit to Him. And also to not try and take the glory. I feel the same way about my walk with Jesus, it has almost nothing to to with me (which is a great thing).

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