Guard Against Online Affairs by Joe Beam - or: online flirting dangerous to marriages
This is a warning, please read and accept it as wise council, there is pure truth in it..We cannot act as if we were innocent regarding these dangers..
The bible says in Hebr. 26/10:
26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left,27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.
Or what do you think about it?
Guard Against Online Affairs
by Joe Beam
Yesterday I talked with another wife emotionally involved with an old boyfriend she bumped into on Facebook. No surprise there. Every month couples enroll in our workshop for marriages in crisis because one of them - usually the wife - became emotionally and/or physically enmeshed with someone found on one of the social networking sites.
Before you lecture me about how the Internet is neither good nor bad, just a tool, please know that I am not a Neo-Luddite, technophobe, or antimodernist. It's a great thing to be able to track down old friends with the Internet. My wife Alice and I tried for years to find Rhonda M., one of my former students. We tried the alumni association, search engines, and everything else that wouldn't cost a bundle. Nothing worked until Facebook. There she was, easy to find, and we renewed our friendship. Thank you, Facebook.
However, there is another side to this. Every month I see firsthand how it can also be a bad thing to be able to track down old friends, or even to make new friends with the stroke of a key. Thousands of marriages are in trouble this very moment because someone kindled an improper relationship on the Internet. That isn't the fault of social networking sites, nor of the Internet itself, of course, but those tools make it much easier to get into these situations. We likely agree that a person that develops a relationship with someone other than his/her spouse had some type of vulnerability that preceded the illicit relationship.
Where we might not agree is how many married people have such vulnerabilities. Based on my work with couples over the last fifteen years, I'd say many people that think they aren't vulnerable are indeed vulnerable. A marriage doesn't have to be bad for one person to feel unfulfilled. It just has to fall short of what one or the other needs or expects. I wish I had kept count of the number of times I've worked with someone involved with another who said, "I don't know how this happened. I thought we were okay. How did I get into this mess?"
Recently a few people corresponded with me about social networking sites and potential marital problems.
One lady wrote, "My marriage is in trouble because of what I told myself was innocent flirting. Now I am paying the price for it. MySpace, AIM, and Facebook are all places where a married person can get into trouble. You can't go on thinking it'll never happen to me; it's ok to flirt innocently. It's not. One thing leads to another and the next thing you know you are meeting face to face, or meeting at a hotel room. Be careful and be aware of what you are doing."
Another wife wrote, "I believe the key is being aware of the dangers and not assuming 'it can't happen to me.' Most dangerous relationships start out very innocently. The needs that are not met will suddenly be filled by someone else: Satan makes sure the void is filled."
This lady said, "Facebook and other social sites can be very dangerous to a marriage. I think, mainly, because it seems so innocent and so normal to contact people from the past, even people who are from your intimate past."
Husbands get involved via Internet connections as well, but, interestingly, most couples that come to our workshop do so because the wife became entangled with another.
How should a person make sure that s/he never crosses the line on a social networking site, or any other site?
First,
always work on your marriage. Never take it for granted. Even good marriages may be corruptible because of boredom, feelings of loneliness, desire for a simpler life, cravings for romance, or just plain old curiosity. At least every six months, couples should do something together to strengthen their marriage. Work through a good marriage book, check out a marriage seminar, spend a few hours with a mentor couple, or take a long weekend without the children, work, or any interruptions and do a lot of talking about whatever comes to mind.
Second,
always think "it could happen to me" and place boundaries so that it cannot. Do NOT flirt! Yes, it can stroke the ego, but it can also plant the seed of the poison that will destroy you. One woman wrote, "Pay attention to the red flags and pray for strength when they come along. And be willing to hit the 'remove from friends' button if the relationship is moving into the flirting zone." The problem comes when you wait until later rather than sooner to stop. Wait long enough, and you will not stop.
Third,
be completely, positively, absolutely open and honest with your spouse about everything. A wife shared, "If your spouse asks who just whispered you online, don't do as I used to and tell him no one when it's someone you shouldn't be talking to. Be honest about who you are talking to, and allow your spouse access to your sites. I have nothing to hide anymore; I turned a full 180 degrees after I realized what I did." Another said, "Communication and openness with your spouse regarding your Facebook is the key."
Fourth,
be honest with yourself about what your weaknesses or intentions might be. The words of this lady hit the target squarely, "I am friends with a couple of ex-boyfriends on Facebook, but my husband knows about them and I know better than to flirt with disaster. My marriage isn't perfect, but it is where I want to be and because of that, I will not risk my family for a rekindled, already failed, long past, relationship. What do people often say is the definition of insanity? Repeating the same process over and over, expecting a different outcome. I learned the first time that these relationships were doomed and detrimental to me. My husband is the better man for me. However, someone with a shaky marriage or any doubt of their self-control should not tamper with old flames on any social network. That would be asking for trouble and trouble will usually find those who are asking for it."
Finally,
some couples need to treat social networking sites just as other couples must treat porn sites. If the weakness or propensity exists for either husband or wife to develop relationships that may harm the marriage, get the Internet out of your house and keep it out your house. Drastic? Yes. However, when preventative measures fail and the medicine doesn't work, it takes surgery to save a life.
The bible says in Hebr. 26/10:
26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left,27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.
Or what do you think about it?
Guard Against Online Affairs
by Joe Beam
Yesterday I talked with another wife emotionally involved with an old boyfriend she bumped into on Facebook. No surprise there. Every month couples enroll in our workshop for marriages in crisis because one of them - usually the wife - became emotionally and/or physically enmeshed with someone found on one of the social networking sites.
Before you lecture me about how the Internet is neither good nor bad, just a tool, please know that I am not a Neo-Luddite, technophobe, or antimodernist. It's a great thing to be able to track down old friends with the Internet. My wife Alice and I tried for years to find Rhonda M., one of my former students. We tried the alumni association, search engines, and everything else that wouldn't cost a bundle. Nothing worked until Facebook. There she was, easy to find, and we renewed our friendship. Thank you, Facebook.
However, there is another side to this. Every month I see firsthand how it can also be a bad thing to be able to track down old friends, or even to make new friends with the stroke of a key. Thousands of marriages are in trouble this very moment because someone kindled an improper relationship on the Internet. That isn't the fault of social networking sites, nor of the Internet itself, of course, but those tools make it much easier to get into these situations. We likely agree that a person that develops a relationship with someone other than his/her spouse had some type of vulnerability that preceded the illicit relationship.
Where we might not agree is how many married people have such vulnerabilities. Based on my work with couples over the last fifteen years, I'd say many people that think they aren't vulnerable are indeed vulnerable. A marriage doesn't have to be bad for one person to feel unfulfilled. It just has to fall short of what one or the other needs or expects. I wish I had kept count of the number of times I've worked with someone involved with another who said, "I don't know how this happened. I thought we were okay. How did I get into this mess?"
Recently a few people corresponded with me about social networking sites and potential marital problems.
One lady wrote, "My marriage is in trouble because of what I told myself was innocent flirting. Now I am paying the price for it. MySpace, AIM, and Facebook are all places where a married person can get into trouble. You can't go on thinking it'll never happen to me; it's ok to flirt innocently. It's not. One thing leads to another and the next thing you know you are meeting face to face, or meeting at a hotel room. Be careful and be aware of what you are doing."
Another wife wrote, "I believe the key is being aware of the dangers and not assuming 'it can't happen to me.' Most dangerous relationships start out very innocently. The needs that are not met will suddenly be filled by someone else: Satan makes sure the void is filled."
This lady said, "Facebook and other social sites can be very dangerous to a marriage. I think, mainly, because it seems so innocent and so normal to contact people from the past, even people who are from your intimate past."
Husbands get involved via Internet connections as well, but, interestingly, most couples that come to our workshop do so because the wife became entangled with another.
How should a person make sure that s/he never crosses the line on a social networking site, or any other site?
First,
always work on your marriage. Never take it for granted. Even good marriages may be corruptible because of boredom, feelings of loneliness, desire for a simpler life, cravings for romance, or just plain old curiosity. At least every six months, couples should do something together to strengthen their marriage. Work through a good marriage book, check out a marriage seminar, spend a few hours with a mentor couple, or take a long weekend without the children, work, or any interruptions and do a lot of talking about whatever comes to mind.
Second,
always think "it could happen to me" and place boundaries so that it cannot. Do NOT flirt! Yes, it can stroke the ego, but it can also plant the seed of the poison that will destroy you. One woman wrote, "Pay attention to the red flags and pray for strength when they come along. And be willing to hit the 'remove from friends' button if the relationship is moving into the flirting zone." The problem comes when you wait until later rather than sooner to stop. Wait long enough, and you will not stop.
Third,
be completely, positively, absolutely open and honest with your spouse about everything. A wife shared, "If your spouse asks who just whispered you online, don't do as I used to and tell him no one when it's someone you shouldn't be talking to. Be honest about who you are talking to, and allow your spouse access to your sites. I have nothing to hide anymore; I turned a full 180 degrees after I realized what I did." Another said, "Communication and openness with your spouse regarding your Facebook is the key."
Fourth,
be honest with yourself about what your weaknesses or intentions might be. The words of this lady hit the target squarely, "I am friends with a couple of ex-boyfriends on Facebook, but my husband knows about them and I know better than to flirt with disaster. My marriage isn't perfect, but it is where I want to be and because of that, I will not risk my family for a rekindled, already failed, long past, relationship. What do people often say is the definition of insanity? Repeating the same process over and over, expecting a different outcome. I learned the first time that these relationships were doomed and detrimental to me. My husband is the better man for me. However, someone with a shaky marriage or any doubt of their self-control should not tamper with old flames on any social network. That would be asking for trouble and trouble will usually find those who are asking for it."
Finally,
some couples need to treat social networking sites just as other couples must treat porn sites. If the weakness or propensity exists for either husband or wife to develop relationships that may harm the marriage, get the Internet out of your house and keep it out your house. Drastic? Yes. However, when preventative measures fail and the medicine doesn't work, it takes surgery to save a life.
Tags: bible, community, divorce, flirting, friend, friendship, god, holy, husband, man, More…
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lace on -
wow......how very interesting.......I had no idea about this! Well.......I don't have a face book account and I really don't try to look up people in my past........ thats just me! I feel the past is the past and I don't go digging it up!!! but it's good to know ....... thank you very much!!!
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Permalink Reply by Jason A on -
My Fiance and I are both pretty addicted to face book, but i have never thought about having an affair or cheating. I think the social networks are far from the problem. If someone is going to be tempted to stray, they are going to be tempted regardless of where they meet or re-meet the persons they are tempted by. If there is a temptation, i think that is a sign of relationship issues rather than a symptom of the social sites. the social sites may expedite the process, but the temptation is the issue.
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Permalink Reply by Suzie Dunson on -
I totally agree....nothing to add...I just believe it can be a tool for evil to come into your life! Gotta be very careful and mindful in your relationships!
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Permalink Reply by Jason A on
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True, but almost anything in the wrong hands can become a tool for evil. That doesn't make the item itself evil. Thats like blaming the guns for murders, cars for accidents, etc. Once you start blaming those things, and hey become deionized, then the responsible users of the items are the ones that suffer.
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Permalink Reply by Pablo Lopez on -
Evil runs threw the web everyday..Is how you walk and set your mind to stay away from the sin. But their is also many love running threw the web..Many can find their first love one day in a chat room. But that is a mystery no can explain. For those who are married, we all know what right and wrong..When something inside you is telling you no...You know who. It's Not your conscious but God..Very true on what you wrote. God Bless...
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Permalink Reply by Suzie Dunson on
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I did find my love online..He is also the one who led me to my savior...how cool is that?
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Permalink Reply by Debbie Hasty on -
Alberta even an abusive relationship can be changed around if the two are willing to get counseling and work on the relationship. Going into certain websites can help, but also destroy at the same time and I would be very cautious as to the ones I talk to. I quit going into chat rooms, but would rather come into forums like this as it's easier to post a question and sort through all the advice and hopefully scripture that is given rather then going in and not knowing who it is you are exactly talking to. You hear a lot of, you can trust me, but can you really!!! I will keep you and your relationship in my prayers and pray it all works out for the both of you. God bless.
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Permalink Reply by Debbie Hasty on
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Heb 10:26 For if we sin willfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,
Heb 10:27 But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. (KJV)
Actually what these scriptures are saying if we choose to continue in a same sin even after we repented of it the first time knowing that God has forgiven us we will pay the consequences for whatever that sin brings about in our life if we do not stop doing the same sin.
These places are only as good or bad as to what you put into them. Flirting is a dangerous thing as it can lead to more serious relationships that can cause devastation within the family and taken further can also cause physical death. It's not so much Facebook, MySpace or even chat rooms, but the intent of the heart when going into these places. I had a MySpace account, but had a lady hitting on me and sending me flowers and she only lived about 20 some miles from me so I deleted my account after that. We can allow ourselves to be used of good or bad as we examine our own motives into what we are presenting of our self to others and as a child of God are we being pleasing to the Father and bringing Him glory. Satan can blindside those without knowledge and will choose whom he will use.
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Permalink Reply by Suzie Dunson on
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Motives is the key! The major element..internet can be a good thing! I use it to pray and witness to those who are in need..I do know how evil it can be and it's very sad people get caught up in the trap! I pray for them too! Thanks for your share...God Bless You! Suzie
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Permalink Reply by Sandy on -
I can totally relate to this, I was having problems with my husband, now he is my ex husband. Instead of going to God i found a game and would spend all day and night on it. Letting go of my duties as a wife and mother. The marriage was over way before I started playing this game. How ever things I was doing in the game were not right because I was married. Before I knew the man I met on the internet was living with me. Today this man and I are not together thank God. I am back in church, getting my mental health back on track and dealing with issues that have played a huge part in my real life. I thought I would miss the game, but I don't. God has me so happy with my real life and the things he is doing in it that I do not even logg in and I deleted it from my computer. Thank God for all the chances he has given me. All praises go to HIM. God, I just love YOU so much and Thank YOU for rescueing me.
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Permalink Reply by Suzie Dunson on
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My online relationship would never have worked out w/o God! I had to put him first and foremost in my life! Not depend on man, money, things, I had to get to my rock bottom when I realized God has to be first always...I went through a horrible divorce..broke me completely down! When I committed my life to Christ...things changed bigtime...while I love the man I'm met online...God is still first...with or without someone in my life, I know, I am never alone...God is sooo faithful! He blesses me in the good times and in the not so good times...put him first, and wow...be ready for the most awesome relationship of all...Good post...Glad you all shared! God Bless you and those you love, Suzie
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